How creating space can increase connection during dating and beyond
Have you heard the idea that you should pretend to be less interested than you are, or ‘play hard to get’ to make someone more interested in pursuing you? The dynamic of pursuer and person being pursued in a relationship can defs be a thing. Us humans often do want what seems harder to get, but it’s also very important to choose to be authentic in your relating – especially if you’re after a conscious relationship. Most people don’t want to start relationships with pretence….
There’s a big difference between ‘playing hard to get’ and simply honouring your own boundaries, feelings and needs. There’s healthy distance, unhealthy distance and not enough distance. How can we use space to help create and maintain attraction in a relationship while not falling into the trap of game playing which does send confusing signals? It’s also manipulative and does not set your relationship up to be honest and clear going forward.
In today’s blog, let’s explore space in relationships. When it’s detrimental to what you actually want to create and when it can help increase connection.
I have heard time and time again that people want to attract a partnership where both people can express their authentic selves. They don’t want a sense of game playing to be part of their relationship. So how can you avoid this while still having a little mystery?
At the beginning of a relationship, you may not want to divulge everything about yourself. You can add a little space to help you strike a comfortable balance of sharing who you are, and keeping some things close to your chest, for now. Some will need time, and after having built trust with this person you may well feel comfortable to share more about yourself. For others, they share too much too soon…
My friends recently overheard a first date at a restaurant recently. The guy spoke about himself the whole time – and did not ask even one thing about his date! Her body language clearly showed her inching away from him. I felt for them when I heard the story because I can tell that she may feel that she wasted an evening and this guy is not going to get a second date. Perhaps he’s a nervous talker - but if he had tuned into himself, and how much he wanted to divulge and how much he wanted to learn about the other person before he went on the date he might have had a different experience. This guy did not create space to increase connection in any way, or any space for her to talk, for that matter!
Here are 3 steps that can help you create space during the dating process and also beyond into your partnership.
Step 1: Tune into yourself
If you don’t know what you want and need as you get to know someone, how can you expect them to know what you want and need?
There are so many ways to deeply tune into yourself. Go to this link for some more in depth musings on this in this blog for some ideas: https://www.welcomelastinglove.com/blog/authenticity-magnified
How much space, closeness or both you crave in a relationship? Is this different when you are first getting to know someone? What are your boundaries when it comes to communication, lifestyle and intimacy?
When we know ourselves, we know our boundaries which helps us set them. For more info on setting healthy boundaries in relationships, see this article: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries
Knowledge certainly is power when it comes to knowing ourselves and relating from that place. Take the time to do deep dives with yourself.
Step 2: Communicate your needs and wants
Imagine a female cat in the wild being visited by a male. She most definitely wants to be with him - but she watches his every move, making sure he keeps his distance. She watches him come closer and closer, to then then inch further away when he sees the expression on her face. Sometimes she actively goes up to him and swats him in the head to teach him that she will choose when he can get closer and to not even think about it before then! She is the undisputed Queen of boundary keeping. He knows his place and he knows that he needs to give her the space she requires before he gets any action!
His Kingly presence patiently gives her the space she needs – it's his instinctual knowing.
There’s no pretence in this space that she needs, it’s not a manipulative game. She’s tuning into herself, her needs and wants. She knows the perfect timing that will produce the kittens that will come from this kitty love story. When she’s ready for him to come closer, she goes into pleasurable welcoming mode and it’s obvious. There’s no guess work, he knows he’s allowed to approach. Borrowing from their story we can choose to communicate with directness and clarity. Our own boundaries and needs dictate the amount space that will increase our connection.
I’m not suggesting by writing this that a woman’s job is to keep him distant and be aggressive if he has been patiently trying to get close to her. I’m suggesting that it’s essential for all of us to tune into our own desires and to honour our needs for both closeness and space. Being protective of our own lives, space, energy, bodies and hearts is our job! Protective, as well as open and generous when we do come across someone we want to let into the sacredness of our lives. We choose to allow someone into our space or not, and communicate that clearly.
Step 3: Experiment with how much space
Imagine you wait for days on end for a date to call, and when they don’t phone you presume they’re not interested. Perhaps for them, building this connection needs space, they maybe integrating how they felt since meeting you. They may have been hurt in love before, or not be super practiced in the art of communication - perhaps they are busy with family matters or at work.
The balance of allowing the distance they may need, while honouring your own needs is a dance. It’s all an experiment! Trying things with curiosity is the key to learning what works for you both in this connection. Are you ok with reaching out and calling them?
If you create more space than you really want to by presenting as unavailable, the person could feel that it’s a form of game playing, that there’s no energy coming their way from you, and therefore disengage all together.
There’s a kind of unwritten pattern of thought in our culture that says that people who are in love want to be in each other’s space all of the time – this is not an absolute truth at all! In the honeymoon phase, people usually want loads of closeness, but to apply that to all relationships, all of the time, is all or nothing thinking. I think it stems from this idea that your partner is your life - you get all your needs met from that one person.
Yes absolutely your partner will probably also be your best friend. Or, maybe you have a few best friends and your partner is one of them. In my marriage, Yasu is my best friend however I do not hope to get all of my needs met within the container of that relationship. We have had 6-8 months away from each other a couple of times in the course of our 26 years together and I was very surprised to get feedback from a friend that they thought that our relationship was ‘not a proper relationship’ because we did that. We were simply experimenting with space as we followed the flow of our own lives. For me, having the trust, space and love to pursue our own hopes and dreams separate from each other is a very good way to relate, and it helps set us up for something deep and lasting.
Allowing a little bit of space as you form your connection bodes well for the future of your relationship. A little space is great – pretending you are unavailable when you really do want to see them, not so great.
When you’re dating and you want contact with them, you can take leadership and call them. Or, you can wait – there’s no right or wrong. If you do call, it doesn’t mean you keep calling or keep connecting when somebody is clearly ghosting you or not interested - that’s a different thing altogether.
Play and experiment with space in your relationships. Not overused concepts such as ‘playing hard to get’ but simply allowing space to be with you, in your relationship. You’ll enjoy how much getting deeply in touch with yourself, communicating that and experimenting with space can help you increase connection during dating and beyond!
Send me an email at shannon@welcomelastinglove.com to book a free 15 minute chat about what is going on for you around space in relationships. I would love to connect and see how I can help!