How to deal with ghosting

 Ghosting such a weird and mostly modern phenomenon – What drives us to completely ignore other human beings, or even stop relationships altogether by simply never mentioning it or speaking to them again?

What is ‘Ghosting’?

‘Ghosting’ can be used to simply mean not replying to messages - in love, dating, business, in friendships. However, the Cambridge dictionary describes ghosting as ‘a way of ending a relationship with someone suddenly by stopping all communication with them’.

Not being responsive

If you’ve been seeing someone for a while and they don’t answer your messages, you may say half-jokingly, ‘stop ghosting me’, even though the relationship has not ended. When we used to live in smaller geographical areas and everyone knew each other, our whole social fabric was designed on community. We had people we felt connected to, and those we didn’t - but I’m sure simple hellos were more readily exchanged, messages were more often answered and ending a relationship by simply never speaking to someone again would have been unheard of. Modern communication tools like messages on the internet or phones have somehow made this form of ending a relationship an option, sadly for those of us who prefer authentic communication.

Modern Communication method?

These days, messages are not always responded to and relationships can end without us ever knowing why. It’s so common that it’s almost accepted and acceptable. I, personally, find it only barely acceptable – either to do it to others or have it done to myself. Even though I feel this way, I have sometimes not answered messages (albeit rarely) and I have had the experience of people not answering mine.

A positive message

If somebody sends me a pm or an email, and I have no previous connection to them – it’s called spam. In most people’s book, it’s totally ok to ‘ghost’ people who have spammed us (simply do not respond). Sometimes, I will take the time to let people know that it is a boundary I hold, to not be contacted in this way. There are times when I’m just busy and I don’t even look at or even reply to those messages. I have a positive message I send to actual scammers. People intending to scam us are sending unwanted messages at the next level – so I often send a message talking about how I am sure they can choose a different livelihood where they are making a positive, love - filled contribution to the world rather than a negative one. I usually get ‘ghosted’ after this message mind you, but one guy then suggested I find him a job! Lol

Being ghosted in Love

As a love coach, I hear about many kinds of experiences, so I certainly understand when it’s easier to not respond to someone – you might want not want to give that person any more mental energy than you already have given, you might also not want that energy coming back towards you, so you feel you need to stop the connection and communication altogether, which valid in some circumstances.

However, often it’s possible to give the person the basic decency of a reply – even if it’s challenging to write if it’s along the lines of, ‘I don’t want to see you any more’. The energetic blueprint it leaves on you and your relating with other humans when you ghost people is not ideal, so my advice is to use it sparingly, only when really needed.

Communication Integrity

In order to preserve integrity in communication, where can we pull back from this tendency? After all, we are all human beings deserving of love and care. The guy you dated that you didn’t resonate with is still a person struggling with his own difficulties in life. We can still keep our boundaries and gently say, ‘no thank you’ to somebody even as we say goodbye.

If you are talking to someone on an online dating app and you have decided for whatever reason that you don’t want to go any further - simply state that what you feel in as loving a way as you can.  When you do this, make sure you keep your boundaries and your energetic space around you. Imagine a beautiful ribbon surrounding you - energetically and mentally give the ribbon the power to protect, and then write your message. Sharing your true feelings is incredibly good for you because not only are you practising stating your truth, and being authentic, you’re also cultivating communication integrity. When you do meet the person that you want to dance through life with – this will be essential as you go forward and navigate everything together. Poor communication in love is a recipe for not having a great time – and who wants that?

Examples 

The words that you use could be something like this - “It’s been great chatting with you, but I do not feel that we are aligned. I wish you the very best in everything, take care!” If you have met the person IRL, for example if you have been on a date or two with them and they are keen to see you again - consciously refrain from giving positive indications of wanting to see them again when you’re in person with them.

Then, after that, if you’re not feeling it, state your truth simply without feeling the need to look after their feelings too much. It could sound something like this, “Thanks for our chat the other day. I wish you well in everything – take care!”.  It really can be this simple. The more you use excuses and try to make up for any lack of interest on your part, the more they might think some more energy is coming their way. 

Getting ghosted

Let’s talk about the really hard one – how to deal with it when people ghost you. This is experience can be so painful – I find it hard to understand because I want more emotional intelligence from people than that! If this has happened, or happens to you, luckily, their action has now released from any chance of getting to know somebody that wouldn’t have been right for you. Somebody who can’t express themselves authentically – can’t tell you what they really want and can’t be honest, is not really someone you want in your environment. I’m sure you’ve had people with patterns like that in your life before! They are exhausting and our energy so precious! Yes, your life and energy are so, so precious so safeguard them well!

A proper ghosting

Getting ghosted in the ‘proper’ way can be so painful and confusing - you actually start seeing someone, or are even in a relationship with them and they stop all communication with you and with no discussion, the relationship has ended so there’s no closure. So frustrating and it hurts.

There is a slight possibility that they had some sort of personal situation like a family emergency, so you could send the one message. After that one message it’s time to let it go. If I had a magic wand, I would make this form of ghosting 100% not exist to save you from experiencing it.  

What to do..

If you have feelings leftover about someone that you really enjoyed getting to know or were even in a relationship with but then they ghosted you, EFT tapping is a really simple and clear way to deal with those feelings.

Would you like to know how I could support you with it? I love supporting people with EFT because it is so affective, easy to learn and it’s a really beautiful way to get our feelings validated and clear them energetically from our system – while not chasing them away. Click on this link to book your free block cleaning session https://ShannonIchikawaCoaching.as.me/BlockClearing.

The next time you want to ghost – take a pause and think about if it’s really what you want to do. The next time you get ghosted - maybe send that one message and if there’s no response of if it happens more than once, move on. Sending you so much love going forward and may any dating ghosts choose to haunt some other people instead!