Too fussy to find love?
Do you think that you’re being too selective, or even too fussy to find love? I hear this from people quite regularly when they share about the challenges that they face in attracting their last love life partner.
Sometimes, selective tendencies when it comes to attracting love are hindering our ability to find what we want. But only when it’s a form of avoiding – a sabotage pattern that is blocking us from finding happiness so that we can remain energetically small, and even remain safe. Even though meeting someone special and entering a loving committed and even lifelong partnership seems like the most joyful thing in the world, our brains are designed to keep us safe. Change, especially a big change like falling in love can feel extremely threatening. This tendency to sabotage love is something that we have to deal with when it comes to being our authentic selves, being vulnerable and having love in our lives.
This is not just for those looking for love - I also need to deal with the fear of being vulnerable in love – even though I’ve been with my partner for 26 years! LOL. It takes a lot to open our hearts, minds, bodies and so on it to another human being. With long term partnership, we choose to do so over and over again, even through the challenges of life and love.
All the times in our lives when we felt hurt, unmet and unseen have left scars and made us not want to return to the point of pain again. It’s not useful to see this pain as mainly having been inflicted by our caregivers – I don’t place blame here, or anywhere. It’s from the collective, from our childhoods, even from past lives and the complicated energetics of intergenerational trauma.
Love can be super scary – being vulnerable, being open. And so , so many of us tend to avoid love in many ways though blocking patterns that sabotage us. But when the sabotage is connected to something that we truly do want, how do we go about stopping that pattern and opening our arms to receiving it?
Recognising how this can show up is a big first step. One way we see this pattern is if you're the list you have on paper or in your mind about the partner you want to meet is too prescriptive. This is limiting because it doesn’t allow the Universe to show up in a creative way for you. Make sure, that when you write your list, you focus on values, qualities and lifestyle choices rather than things like hair colour, eye colour and so on. This helps leave room for flow and what the great mystery wants to provide for you. See this blog called ‘Your List’ for a more in-depth exploration of this. https://www.welcomelastinglove.com/blog/your-list
Some aspects of being selective can be because you are blocking love and shows up as being too prescriptive (some people could call this fussy) However, let’s get something straight –when it comes to love, choosing wisely is actually an essential element of manifesting what we want. So how does this work, especially when you think you’re being too fussy?
Well, consider how much effort we put into it when we want to buy a new car. Some spend weeks, months or even years deciding on the make, model, colour and so on of their precious new car. Would we tell just a person, or even ourselves that we are fussy if we did this with a car? After some research, we know exactly what we want and we go out there to get it. Why aren’t we like this when it comes to attracting love?
Using the word selective is a much more powerful choice than using the word fussy. Fussy has negative connotations. For example, I say about myself and about my son that we are fussy when it comes to food – maybe I need to change that to selective, which is also true. Why do we ‘should’ on ourselves like this? Using the word fussy is a not super kind away to speak about ourselves. If we need to practice more loving kindness towards ourselves perhaps this could translate to how we treat others and how they treat us in relationships. Hmm – note to self here.
Is wanting someone with a certain level of financial independence being too selective? To find out the answer to this question you can ask yourself if you want to carry someone financially. Perhaps you have finances aplenty and you don’t mind supporting someone in that way.
If that’s the case, be very clear about what you do and don’t want to do in the way of financially supporting your partner. Some people will give a lot of value in their lives - so much so that the money is irrelevant. Still, it’s very important to be aware of the dynamics because it can be a mismatch in alignment of how much we give and receive in relationships.
What about wanting someone who lives close to you, for example within 100 km radius – is that been too selective? It’s only too selective if you are happy to travel long distances, but if you want to be careful about your ecological footprint and you spend less time in a car and more time on the earth – then it’s not too selective at all. Some people would be willing to move for love but other people have a life and a home so they don’t want to uproot themselves.
I have seen cases where someone knew they did not want to travel, didn’t set the right kilometre limit on a dating app and then start dating someone in another town and neither of them wanted to move – this is then self-sabotage. I am talking here of people who live somewhere reasonably accessible by a city, or at least some towns. This is not about those who truly are living in the middle of nowhere and there’s no town to stop into where they live for handsome strangers who pass anyway. For sure these folk will need to set their distance limit longer on an app (and energetically be open to it magically ‘just happening’ in a remote place – this can and does happen, too!).
Small activity –
Do this to tune into what you truly want and to see if you’re being too selective or not. This activity can help you connect with your red, orange and green flags. This blog about first date red flags is a good one to check out for more information on this. https://www.welcomelastinglove.com/blog/7-first-date-red-flags
Get a piece of paper and draw three columns.
Call the first ‘needed’ call the second ‘wanted’ called the third column ‘no way’. Write your true heart’s desire (or what you definitely do NOT desire) in all three columns. You can even go further for extra bonus points and highlight the top three in each column. This way you’ll be super connected to what you want. You can have a look at this list and see if it seems completely over the top and exhaustive in a way that the Universe won’t want to collaborate with you and help you provide what you want in a creative and surprising way. Or maybe you are not being specific enough. You will feel it – you can also connect with me around this and I can support you to lean deeply into what you truly want without letting the sabotage get the better of you!
The next step with me to help you tune into what you want and put it out there very powerfully is The Visioning session. Book a quick online chat with me to talk about your personal situation to see if the Visioning session resonates for you. Book your free chat here – https://ShannonIchikawaCoaching.as.me/30MinChat
Until next time, let your love-light shine!