All the Good Ones..

Have ever heard the expression ‘All the Good ones are taken’? Even though I coach women towards relationships for a living, I don’t always go into what I think about the statement, because sometimes it’s said when everyone is having fun, or having a good funny convo or a deep and meaningful with the girls. I thought I’d be brave this month and share here how I really feel about it.

The expression presumes that there are good ones and bad ones. It’s usually referring to men, and the lack of single, lovely men women can get to know. I’ve heard it said about women too, but l in today’s blog I am talking about when it’s used referring to men.

Sometimes it seems like there’s not many wonderful people out there to get to know. So, there can be elements of truth to the statement ‘all the good ones are taken’ due to circumstances, numbers, geography and so on. However, we need to lean into an abundant mindset when it comes to love, not a scarcity one. Check out this blog about Abundance in love: https://www.welcomelastinglove.com/blog/love-abundance

What are we saying when we categorise men into good and bad? We are saying that some are simply bad – there’s no good in them at all. And some are purely good with not an ounce of shadow. I have exaggerated what people mean when they say that statement about ‘all the good ones’ here, but are we implying some people are good and some are not?

Sometimes, behaviour that’s positive, beautiful, delightful, and then ways of acting that are toxic, painful and even dangerous are in the same person. Have you ever experienced that?

Scary behaviour absolutely does exist. We only need to look at the levels of domestic violence and death that are happening in this country to know that. It’s tragic and so much needs to be done to support our people so that we can all live in safety and free of violence.

Labelling people as scary, dangerous, violent predators just because of their gender is not ok at all. For the people who really are dangerous, labelling them as essentially bad with no way to change or touch goodness within them, will just make them more violent.

People have history, trauma and reasons for becoming the way they are. That does not mean we need to stay in intimidating, dangerous or even ‘just off’ situations.

I got very angry once when a man tried to advance towards me in a way that I did not want. I got aggressive and in turn, he got aggressive back. I realised my mistake straight away because the martial art, Aikido I had practiced, teaches that force against force means the person with the strongest muscles will win, and I was not the person the strong muscles.

Returning to love

 I was able to return to love in that moment because I realised that it wasn’t his fault. Deep down, he didn’t really want to hurt me. I turned to him and I said ‘oh my gosh are you okay? I know you don’t want to do this to another person. I’m so sorry that life has led you to this point where you feel you need to act this way’ - the man left the situation very quickly.

I’m not saying that this course of action would help or save anyone in any dangerous situation however the reaction of the guy brings home a message to me that we’re all people. We still need to use our instincts and intuition at different times to protect ourselves, even as we observe the person’s humanity.

Ying and Yang

 I have Ying and yang - good and bad like we all do. I am a patient and loving mum, and I’ve been a crazy woman triggered by parenthood too. But I only see good or bad actions – not good or bad people. There is light and dark in all of us.

We’ve been so culturally conditioned to believe that the binary of us and them, good and evil exists. Think about Hollywood movies. There are the good and the bad guys. The bad guys have to be taken down by the good guys. When the good guys blame, shame or even kill the bad guys, those acts are portrayed as heroic. Not acts of violence.

How do the ‘baddies’ end up ‘bad’? If we stop to consider the kinds of painful backgrounds they come from, we realise there’s always a reason. Call me crazy, but I don’t think this message is one we want to perpetuate.

When it comes to finding love, maybe it’s not ‘a good one’ you are after. Perhaps it’s that we are all good, bad, light and shadow. Maybe what you really mean is someone who’s light you love and who’s shadow you can dance with. It won’t always be easy. Well I guess some love stories are but I would not say that’s the norm.

Our shadows challenge each other and help us grow. And some people have a shadow so painful or just plain annoying, you just have to leave – or never start or stay in the first place! lol

Mainly the ‘good ones are taken’ thing means you find it hard to meet people you resonate with, and if you do, they already have a partner. But it’s a bug bear of mine that we label ppl as good and bad because is that really what we want the world to be reduced to?

I personally think as a world we can care for men more – and I know adopting this as a policy can help women find love more easily, too. It’s not about forgiving the unforgivable or putting up with any rubbish at all, it’s merely knowing we all have our journeys.

How can we stop categorising men into good ones and bad ones?

One suggestion when it comes to caring for men, is that perhaps we can challenge ourselves to stop using words like Mansplaining, or Manflu. I find them really reductionist and this kind of language is what women (and men) have fought for a long time to stop happening towards women. So why are we doing it to men?  

There absolutely is still ridiculous, and scary amounts of sexism towards women left in the world and I experience it or see it regularly. However, our pain does not mean men need to suffer at our hand in a similar way. Some men do perpetuate awfulness towards women to the nth degree but that in no way means all men do.

We have all been socially conditioned to believe and say certain things some of which are very sexist. I think we can all make a choice to stop it.  

The kind of thinking that puts men into ‘good ones and bad ones’ (or women or anyone else for that matter) is not going to help you find love.

But knowing that love is abundant, and there definitely wonderful people everywhere to get to know will help!

Also, leaning into more compassion, understanding and honouring what you want and need in any interaction and following your needs – even if it means hurting others, will help. We can honour our boundaries and state what we want, stay or leave and still do so with care and compassion for the other human in the interaction.

This is about what kind of society we want to create. Do we want violent men to become more violent because they’re isolated, alone, and feel shame to reach out for support because they are seen as essentially ‘bad’?

And when it comes to men generally, how can we embrace men as the wonderful, valuable and important part of our world that they are?

I can support you to attract your life partner, even if you’ve been plopping many men into a ‘bad’ basket and thinking you have no access to ‘the good’ ones.

Let’s connect via email - https://www.welcomelastinglove.com/contact-me

I share info on events, tips for meeting people, offers, inner work tools and loads of love and support for attracting in the love and life that you want. I’m look forward to hanging out in email land!