Conscious Romance – build it by releasing the fairy tale
Do you want a relationship where romance is more connected and conscious, rather than the plastic, unrealistic version we get sold?
Much of the fairy-tale and media hype around romance can be fake and takes some undoing even though I have been aware of it’s effects for a long time.
We have been fed a pretty lie - that romance, sparks and love can swoop in and save us from suffering. We know that’s not the case, love is a journey of discovery and sometimes, super hard work. Love is ALSO sweet special and beautiful when you feel that connection with someone. The gorgeous honeymoon time and then building a life together can be truly precious. That doesn't mean that Hollywood narratives of romance always serve us in a positive way, so we need to undo them to help us experience true love.
I write to you from here in Austria, Europe where our beautiful friends, Andrej and Tina just got married. Oh the romance! They got married next to a gorgeous old castle, did a hand-fasting, were blessed by the directions and dear friends and myself, Yasu and our daughter played guitars and a ukulele and sung them ‘Hero’ by Enrique Iglesias in a forest where the green seemed to whisper of love. This is conscious romance at it’s best – decided with love and experienced with reverence.
It’s perfect that I write this blog from here about conscious romance – what it is, why we need it, and how to cultivate it. Read on as it will help you to actively become aware of people and relationships coming into your orbit that you can step into conscious romance with.
What is Conscious Romance?
Conscious romance is discerning the difference between an idea of romance we have been sold, and true loving gestures that build connection between us, and making choices based on what’s sustainable and real.
It’s choosing the heart to heart before going to an event over the image you have of arriving cool as cucumbers in your ironed clothes – because this is the wisest and most loving choice. Especially if the cool as a cucumber version has just had a fight due to the stress of rushing around. Ok, I have totally done this - not the desire for the ironed clothes bit, but you get the idea.
It’s realising that even when people don’t show up in the way that we have imagined they would, that they can still love us deeply. We can still experience flowers, bubble baths, champagne, chocolate and sunsets. But we don’t need to be stuck on those things, or on the idea that life, or love, is not working out well when we don’t have them.
Denise Duffield-Thomas has a course on Sacred Money Archetypes. She helps business owners work out what their money archetype is - one of the types is ‘Romantic’. These people love beauty, luxury and living life to the fullest. Yay to what romantics want! (From memory, my SMA types are Alchemist, Nurturer and Romantic – surprise, surprise. Also working on building my ‘Accumulator’ self!)
Personality tests and archetypes like the SMA course help us tune into ourselves – I need to make one for love, although I am sure it already exists. I am a romantic at heart so being a love coach fills me with joy, as does my dream of getting wedding invitations in the mail regularly.
However, wishing for so called ‘romance’ when it’s actually unrealistic expectations can cause problems. We need to consider where our romantic selves are not serving us.
Recently, on this trip overseas – I learnt about the second arrow concept in Buddhism. It’s the arrow of suffering that we point towards ourselves. A friend mentioned it after I shared about what EFT Tapping is, and how I help people change beliefs and thoughts around love which helps them attract what they truly want and the partner that they want to have. I shared how physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain can be lessened and even disappear with Tapping.
He explained the second arrow concept and shared that it’s about the suffering we cause ourselves due to our reactions to things. The first arrow is the unavoidable pain of life, the 2nd arrow is how we react to it. He said my description of Tapping sounds like I am helping people take out, or not fire, the second arrow. I love this description as I often talk about how we have the headache(or heartache in many cases), but the stress and pain we have about the ache is sometimes even worse than the ache itself.
The second arrow phenomenon I experience myself – we all do. It can be palpable when it comes to relating with our romantic partners. At the wedding a couple of days ago, I felt attached to going to see the castle for the first time with my husband. But he went to see it first with our daughter. I was so angry!
A one off incident like that wouldn’t have mattered – I was helping with wedding preparations and they went off to see it for fun. However, it’s a pattern in the relationship I have with my partner where I have expectations and ideas of what will be special or romantic and he doesn’t realise that I would appreciate those gestures, so goes off and does his own thing.
I sometimes judge these kind of behaviours as selfish or mean – understandably but probably not accurately. Yasu would totally have loved to go with me first if I had explained how I felt to him! I absolutely shot myself with the second arrow as my idea of romance was not happening. I did some Tapping and we talked and I eventually felt better.
(He does have a pattern of doing his own thing and not communicating with me about stuff, which I do find painful so I do not mean to imply the whole issue was around my romantic delusions! Welcome to partnership – we dance w tricky stuff sometimes).
It’s very important to share what we would love to experience with people. This is the practical side of romance, it may not sound super romantic, but it helps! There’s so much value in both partners practicing how to give and receive love in a way that each can individually feel.
How to develop Conscious Romance
Step 1: Notice and release romantic expectations
Getting stuck on ideas of what romance and connection means does not help so practicing another famous Buddhist idea about non-attachment is helpful. When a romantic idea or vision feels forced, or like an expectation you have of yourself or another, let us let it go.
Notice romantic messages may come from media or fairy-tales that are no longer serving you and release those ones into the ether with love and gratitude for what they have given you so far.
Step 2: Know what Romance means to you and share it
Have you ever felt shitty because your date wanted to pay? Or even because your date didn’t want to pay? Being clear on expectations can help a lot. If you find people opening doors for you outdated and annoying, share it! If you find it romantic, share that too.
Make a list of romantic experiences you’d love to share with the partner you are currently manifesting. Tune into what you would really like to give and receive from the heart - you can want them, communicated them, and also know that once you share your wishes and cultivate connection, if they happen in the way you want them to, great, if not maybe also great. Our and wants may not always get met, but communicating them makes it more likely.
When it comes to relating with your partner, discuss what you both want before events and experiences – that’s where I fall down. Why do we sometimes expect our partners to read our minds? I am trying to loosen the belief that if they knew us, and loved us well enough, they would know what we want. That is certainly quite often not the case – so why cause ourselves suffering over it? (Hello, second arrow).
Step 3: Choose connection over Insta - sharable moments.
It’s the moments, looks, flirting, belly laughs, tenderness – all of these are romantic and help build deepen love between us. Hollywood has our minds filled with people making last minute, dramatic decisions about love, images of misty walks in the rain and grand gestures. The happy ever after narratives…. real life doesn’t work like that. If we really documented our raw ups and downs, it may make a pretty confusing Insta feed, but it’s exactly the dips in the road that deepen our connection.
This is much easier when we focus on how we want to feel, not how things look.
I would love to know what you think about conscious romance, and how you’re going to attract that in your relationship - so reach out after reading this blog and let me know what you think!
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