Would you date you? (7 steps to being the change)
Would you date yourself as you are now – not after you’ve found your dream job, not after you’ve finally run a marathon, but you - right now? Would you swipe right on yourself?
Our dating life is a mirror – if you don’t like what you see, what can you change? I’m not just talking about you here, there’s plenty of things I don’t like in the mirror. Not necessarily about my physical self, although sometimes my inner critic goes a bit rampant with that one too. I’m more talking about the results I see in certain aspects of my life that I don’t like to see in the mirror.
Apparently, the quote that’s often attributed to Gandhi, “Be the change that you want to see in the world”, was not a direct quote from him at all. However, the sentiment can help so much when it comes to attracting the love that we want.
According to a few different online sources, the actual quote is, “We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do. - Manhatma Gandhi
As much as I love the regularly attributed quote – I love the original even more. It’s depth and simplicity is profound. It tells us that what we want to see in our outer reality, we can find within. It leads us to happiness. When it comes to love, it can be boiled down whether or not you’d date yourself. If not, how can you be the change you want to see in your love life? The experiences and vibe that you want in love, you CAN HAVE!
7 Steps to being the change (So that you would date you)
1. Be Vibrant
To be generally vibrant, we don’t always need to be ‘high vibe’. It means to choose positivity over negative spirals. It means we are real, can cry, laugh and get angry but we also choose to vibe positively for a lot of the time. Pretty much everyone I speak to wants to attract a partner who’s got a positive outlook on life and is fun to be around – is that you?
Let’s be honest here. I’m not always the life of the party. Especially as a Mum, I tend to lean more into worry, which makes me feel deeply responsible for the kinds of adults I am raising my children to be. And so sadly I get a bit ‘do this, do that’. When I notice this I am doing this too much, or too often, in this tricky loop, I change it up.
I am genuinely a very positive and upbeat person but at home with the pressures of life I can be as much of a grumpy bum as the next person. However, is this who I want to be? Is it who I want my partner to be? Is it who we want to spend our whole lives with? No, not really - so I make sure I enjoy my time with my family with plenty of laughter and joy, too.
Being vibrant is also about our health – I have never met a person who wants a couch potato as their partner. Sitting around and doing nothing, does not bode well for our health. Get up, move about, move your body, choose amazing vibrancy giving foods. This all helps us raise our vibration and we all want partners who’d make similar choices.
2. Have fun and be active
Talking about couch potatoes, the ability to have a good rest, maybe watch a movie without this being the entirety of your down time is a major plus. Having fun in varied ways makes life worth it! What’s the point of being together if we don’t double each other’s joy?
3. Be Authentic
Just be yourself. This means to go on quests of self-discovery – delve into some personality archetypes, your astrology, numerology, asking friends how they perceive you, journaling and meditation to really go within. See my blog on being authentic you here. Authenticity Magnified
The blog has some great tips in there so go and read it and in the meantime share your truth, what’s in your heart. No one is getting to know the real you if you wear too many masks and place unrealistic expectations on yourself you can’t meet because it’s not the real you.
4. Listen
Active listening is one of the cornerstones of good communication. When you talk about your day, I’m sure you don’t want your partner trying to fix everything – I’m sure you don’t want them talking over you, or not listening! This art of attentive, loving listening is such a gift to others. It can be tricky to breathe, slow down and really listen when we’re excited to communicate and share our hearts with each other, but it’s equally important to give time and space for them to share theirs with us.
5. Dance with routine and spontaneity
This one really depends on your values but I think it’s useful to be able to dance with both routine and spontaneity. For some people, stability and routine are very high values in their lives it - helping them feel comfortable and to blossom within the structure of that routine. For others, adventure and fun are very high values. It’s about tuning into what you want and who you are.
I prefer routine and stability to adventure as I had a lot of adventure as a child and this little Cancerian heart of mine just wants to be at home a lot of the time.
That being said, I chose a gypsy as my life partner! He loves to travel, he’s a Sagittarius and loves to seek the truth out in life. We’ve had so many beautiful fun lovely times travelling and adventuring together, I wouldn’t change this part of my life because it brings me so much joy to fall in love with people and places and in my case, languages! I can honour who I am in this regard, and celebrate and enjoy who he is, too.
6. Respect people’s time
This one’s a little rich coming from most likely undiagnosed ADD me. I have found it hard to run on time for things much of my life. I’m always on time for work but I find it hard for other things. This is something I’m very much aware of and working on because I respect people’s time. If people forget that they’ve got a session with me, or they meet me later than our agreed upon time I do feel that that person does not think my time is worthwhile and I feel sad that I do that to others.
In my relationship with Yasu, one way that I respect his time, is if we’re out and about together and I want to look at a shop, I will literally go in there for 2 to 5 minutes at the most. After 26 years together, I’ve learnt that he does not want to wait outside shops as I look around, so I’ve honed the art of very quick shopping. I’ll clock the place, look around, sometimes buy something very quickly. Often, I will come back later when I’m on my own. This is a form of respecting my partner’s time. I wouldn’t expect him to hang around if it makes him unhappy.
7. Live your best life, and be your best self – within reason!
Motos like ‘being your best self’ and ‘living your best life’ can seem bit meaningless – and I don’t like any echoes from them of toxic positivity. I’m not advocating for anyone turning themselves, or their partner, into a personal growth project. Goodness knows I’ve done that to myself and my partners in the past and it never goes well.
That being said, I’m always seeking and growing, because I know that when I do the work, do the inner work, I end up seeing changes in me and the world that I want to see. My vibe, and then my outer reality changes just as Gandhi told us it would!
The most practical way to level up, but with gentleness and love, is to catch your inner whinger mid – whinge. “Oh that’s annoying, I stuffed that up, why is everything so hard”? These can be changed to “Huh, something interesting to learn from, how can I make things easier?”
Actually doing the inner work that will change your inner and outer reality is so important! Calm your nervous system, relax into life – EFT Tapping, journaling, coaching, whatever lifts you up and out of any blue funk or downward spirals you find yourself in.
Would you date yourself - who you are right now?
If the answer is ‘not yet’, make sure you email me at shannon@welcomelastinglove.com to arrange a free online mini- catch up. I’m here to help you do all of these steps and more as we go on this fabulous adventure to help you welcome your lasting love. You’d be a wonderful person to date!