Balance your fierce edge and soft heart!
Balance your fierce edge and soft heart!
Do you ever secretly wonder if being a strong, kick-ass woman makes it harder for you to meet someone and stay in a beautiful and committed relationship? (Perhaps you dismiss the thought as sexist rubbish but it plays in the back of your mind anyway?)
How much does the loud and proud version help us in love? Some of us, and I include myself in this, can get very prickly, making it more difficult for us to create and maintain meaningful connections.
I am here to help, because our edginess rocks, it is our fire and passion for life – for what feels right and wrong in our bodies and the world – so important! However, if we let our wild and strong self stay in full Kali mode without rest, and without allowing our more compassionate calm side some room to move, it can push people away. We don’t want to repel amazing people who would enrich our lives and help us increase our joy and impact in the world!
Today’s blog is about how to keep our awesome edge, while simultaneously softening our hearts to help us in love, because rather than dimming our light to let love in, we can share our light in both fiery and tender ways.
Step 1: Celebrate and express your edge
I love hanging out with very strong women. We are all incredibly strong although some hold their strength very quietly and it can be mistaken for meekness. I don’t hold this idea of meekness as truth because we all hold strength. That being said, I really enjoy women who wear their strength like a badge, displaying their well-earned badge to everyone.
As a young woman my absolutely favourite singer was Ani Defranco – she powerfully raged against the machine and I loved her very street poetry vibe, and how she played her guitar like a funk base guitar or a drum. I love the resolve, excitement and power women like Ani often evoke in me - viva la revolution!
Our edginess is a very important, valid and necessary expression of ourselves, even if it’s in anger or sadness about something. Without it, we’d have no activism, no social change! Things seem hard enough in the world currently without us leaning away from our edge. Because of how important it is, let’s keep our fierce edges, they are part of who we are and help us lean into our passions, create social change, and express our authentic selves.
However, the shadow part of our fierce edges can have us ranting and bitter to people around us, creating unhappiness and distance.
I have been with my beautiful partner and husband, Yasu for 26 years now and this still affects us in our relationship. I am not sure we will ever be past it but which couple is? If your relationship is predominantly positive, fun, loving and supportive, then it’s worth going through the challenges. Expecting perfection, and for everything to always be roses can set us up for disappointment!
In our relationship, we both show our cranky edges to each other from time to time and it hurts a lot. The other often feels it’s unnecessary and we then need to talk about it. Usually the person who unintentionally expressed in that way realised that they could say something more calmly and lovingly the next time.
This is an interesting line to walk together as this softening cannot come at the price of expressing real feelings even when they are hard ones. Difficult to take feelings like anger, sadness, or disappointment also deserve acknowledgement and expressing just as much as their more fun cousins such as joy, excitement, pleasure and happiness!
Step 2: Protect your peace
You, your space and peace are important and worthy. Your thoughts and feelings about how you get treated, and the energy you want in your life matter. Your boundaries need to be noticed, thought of, felt into and respected by you and others. We can absolutely unapologetically say no to anyone or anything that drains us. We can do so firmly and with care because our boundaries are not impenetrable walls, they are like filters protecting our peace and space.
I am planning to write a blog dedicated to boundaries, so if you have any particular questions in this area, please email them to me at Shannon@welcomelastinglove.com. See this blog on creating space in your relationship here: https://www.welcomelastinglove.com/blog/creating-space
I will write another blog on the masculine and feminine binary - I am not really referring to that here directly, although it is connected. All people lean into the different masculine and feminine aspects - both of which have light and shadow – but that is a conversation for another day. I am referring to cultivating balance between our soft and edgy selves.
Step 3: Opening our tender hearts
It can be tricky to prioritise our vulnerability, our soft hearts – especially in triggering moments. I am so grateful to have been practicing the deeply empathetic communication methods created by Marshal Rosenburg called ‘Non-Violent Communication’ (NVC) for the past few years. I have not mastered this kind of communication - I have not even graduated from kindergarten when using it in my daily life. The fact that my daughter said to me six months or so ago ‘stop therapizing me’, shows my beginner status well! Because NVC can help us to open to our own, and other people’s feelings, needs and requests, I recommend looking into it and how it can help.
Some of us lean into our soft hearts too much, making us unbalanced, which is where we see the shadow side and we mainly express that soft, generous part and not share our real feelings. This kind of pattern can have us in a victim role, repressing things that can cause sickness and stress. Ultimately, this is inauthentic makes sustainable relationships harder to form.
Tune into you – do you get a bit overly prickly with people? This can come from being hurt in love before and so is totally understandable, but it comes at a price. We can express our boundaries calmly and firmly rather than being triggered and getting snappy – I still absolutely do the latter as well as the first, but we are all a work in progress!
If our activism sometimes requires us to wield a shield or a sword, when it comes to intimacy, it’s that is vulnerability so important. Softening our instant reactions helps us to hold those around us with love. We can say things with loving kindness both to ourselves and others rather than dumping our anger on them. Being passionate is good, but being bitter with it is hard on those around us, and on ourselves, so it can repel people.
Practicing receiving with grace can help us to soften our hearts. Start with a simple ‘thank you’ at compliments and take it all the way to being fully supported in your relationships.
When we deeply understand and care for ourselves, we release the need to immediately jump into blame, judgement and attacking people. This is because we take responsibility for our own happiness, rather than placing it on the shoulders of others. Occasionally, I see this difficult pattern of harshness in my own relationship, and in several relationships observe in the world.
When I notice it, I consciously take my power back from this kind of pattern – it’s a work in progress! Empathetic listening can really help – simply listen to the other person’s perspective and try to stay neutral – if you need space away from the situation first, do that. Heart-math is another thing to look into that can help us in many ways, but the main idea especially in this kind of situation is to place your hands on your heart and visualise breathing in and out of your heart area. This practice helps us coming back to a regulated state and helps us soften a lot.
Step Four: Balancing the two
These steps can help you find a balance between your fierce edge and your soft heart. To be aware of how important both sides are is the most important thing as it will help you consciously dance between the two.
Remember to express your strong side with fire and authenticity, but if it moves into territory that is too prickly, take stock and consider where you may be able to soften. Practicing this in your current relationships with friends and family and lean into dancing with these two aspects as you get to know new people on your road to meeting someone amazing!
Comment or send me an email and let me know how you are dancing with these two parts of yourself in relationships - I’d love to know!